firstroar | V. IC CONTACT (RETIRED)

[his brow knits for a moment. not anymore, is it? something to file away, prod about later...

for now, he wants to remain true to Jaime's request.

he gestures for him to sit...somewhere. the rooms are small, unfortunately.]

Do you remember what I told you of that experience? Perceiving the mind of one of those soldiers.

[Jaime looks around the room for a moment before settling on perching on the edge of the bed across from Blue.]

That it was overwhelming, yeah. I remember. I was just wondering if there was anything in there we could use.

[Beyond the proof of their sentience, of course, which is really the most important thing there is. It would be easier, perhaps, without that knowledge to simply say that they ought to erase the clones from existence and be done with it.]

[he contemplates that, turning a notion over in his head.

he gives Jaime an appraising look, trying to fit him in with that notion.

treading carefully:] I've mentioned before how abstract an experience it was. It has as much to do with the mystery of those soldiers themselves as it does with my psionic abilities. It is like trying to describe the color red to a man blind since birth.

[a slight pause.] The only difference being, I have the ability to give some sense of that color, as it were, to someone who cannot see it alone.

If you wish to "see" what I have witnesses, it can be done.

[Jaime's first reaction is uncertainty. The offer that Blue is making here is a valuable one, he can see that from a technical point of view, but he's never been in anyone else's head before. Not like this, not with this much suffering.

But then he remembers Sollux's words - I thought you could handle this, but maybe not - and he nods, making his decision. This is important.]

How does it work?

[his hands are folded in his lap. they uncurl from each other, and Blue turns one over, palm-up.]

You take hold of my hand, and I can synchronize my thoughtwaves with the speed of yours...giving you the memory I hold.

[he gives Jaime a steady, hardened look.] But you must understand. Doing this...for me, is like walking into a pool of water. Your own thoughts and memories are the water itself, and it is rather impossible to not get wet. You have to push what things trouble or linger too closely in your heart and mind aside and think only of this.

Okay. Yeah. Like meditation, right? Just, instead of imagining ocean waves or whatever, I've gotta think about the clones.

[He has never meditated in his life. He's never even thought about it before, and even if he had, he wouldn't have figured he would be any good at it.

Now's as good a time as any to start, right? He contemplates this fact for a second, teeth worrying at his bottom lip, before he releases it and takes a deep breath, the slight crease between his brows fading away.

(He's going to have wrinkles by the time he's twenty at this rate, he's sure of it.)]

Um, give me a minute. [Or two.]

[he simply nods, composing himself. the hand remains open, settled on his knee, neither demanding nor refusing any decision Jaime might make.

he's bracing himself regardless. any teenager's mind is quiet an emotional place, but consider one trying to carry the burden of thousands – millions? – on his shoulders?]

[It's easier to think about the clones than nothing at all. He tries to focus on the one picture he's been giving out to people, of that one clone he saw close up for but a moment, his eyes covered with a visor and lips in a straight, rigid line. The clone had stared at him like he was staring at nothing at all. It's an easy image to grab hold of.

He's about to tell Blue that that's it, he's ready, when the Scarab speaks up.]

No. Calm.

[He's always very aware of the fact that the Scarab feels his emotions, but sometimes he forgets that it works the other way around as well. He closes his eyes as he feels some of the Scarab's own calmness in the face of this settle in his bones, an utterly undefinable feeling. It's not perfect, not by any means, but it's as close as he's going to get.

The Scarab will see and feel what Blue shows it as well, Jaime suddenly realizes, which is why the next time he speaks, it's not to Blue.]

You ready?

Yes.

[He opens his eyes, and reaches out with one hand, palm up.] Okay.

[that's an eerie shift. while he can't sense the machine, Blue has notion Jaime is influenced by...something. and it won't be the nicest discovery.

Blue waits a beat longer after that ok before taking hold of the hand. pushing past odd notions of scarabs, he reaches for the lingering image of a soldier. he bows his head, grabbing hold of Jaime's shoulder to brace the both of them as his breathing matches up with his.

it's just breath for the boy until Blue unravels his memory and links it to the soldier.

blinding light, sparks...the burn of overtired muscles and a furious pounding in the head. and with each violent blow bared down on a dome of raw will, the vision snaps to the very sight of Blue on his knees, struggling to hold fast. in that stranger's mind, a panic surging, on the brink of overriding the relentless drive to kill and kill more.

Die. Die. Get away from me. Die. Help. Help, someone. Stop. Die. Die. D--

each impact violently rips the mind away and back again, the memory slingshot between Blue's confusion and strain and a soldier's frenzy. again and again and ag--]

[Jaime only understood Blue in the abstract when he had first described what the clones' minds had felt like, and feeling it for himself is indescribable. In reality, he knows that he is merely sitting on a bed, seeing what Blue had once seen, but reality seems to have little bearing on anything when all of his senses are telling him that he is elsewhere, something else guiding his actions, when his senses are telling him that he hurts.

But pain, pain he has learned to work through, pain he has learned to endure. The panic and sheer tumult of emotion is an entirely different question, and his head spins with the force of it. He doesn't quite realize that the fear and dread rising in him isn't wholly his own, but the Scarab's as well, an immediate, visceral reaction to the mere suggestion of control being ripped away from them only to be replaced with an unquenchable urge to kill.

In the physical world, he sucks in his breath and holds it, knuckles turning white as his grip on Blue strengthens. He's seen enough. He would tear himself away from it happily, if only he knew how.]

[Blue catches and holds a breath, and his hand squirms against Jaime's hold. he pulls his mind away in a similar way, trying to avoid the violence of sharply cutting off an intense feeling. but better that than making the boy endure more than his share.

the vision leaves with him, his hand pulling away and curling to himself. he says nothing, not yet even looking.]

[Jaime draws away from Blue with a choked gasp. The sensations cutting off as suddenly as they did puts him off balance for a long, dizzying moment, but it's worth no longer having to dwell in the midst of all that suffering. He doesn't say anything at first, just leans forward and grips the edge of the bed with both hands, trying to gain his equilibrium.

He's not crying now, but there were a few tears shed while he was in there, in the moment, and it's not until he reaches up to wipe his face that he realizes that his palms are black with armour he doesn't remember ever summoning. He closes his hands into fists, and as he wills it back, it recedes. His breathing is loud and shaky in the quiet room, but he doesn't mind needing the time to catch his breath; words are lost to him, for now.

Eventually, he looks back at Blue, face dry but distress clear on his face.] I get it now, [he says hoarsely.] I... I had no idea.

[Blue is silent and still, absorbing the raw reactions radiating from the boy. those are more important than the questions all leading to the Scarab.

some time after those words, he moves, reaching toward one of the small, colorless drawer units in the room and lifting a hand cloth out of it. gingerly, he takes hold of Jaime's wrist and guides his hand down, placing the cloth in it. there is nothing but silence for the boy in that touch; Blue's closed off that two-way connection, willing to feel those incoming emotions alone.

softly:] This is only one piece of the puzzle, Jaime, harsh as it is. There are many things we still don't understand about them, about what led them to that moment in time in conflict with us.

[his hand, shifting from his wrist to his shoulder, squeezes it a little for his attention.]

But we were not wrong, taking the action we did. I believe that.

[He accepts the cloth gratefully and wipes off his face with a quiet murmur of:] Ugh. Sorry.

[He doesn't outright request it, but he's certainly hoping Blue won't tell anyone that he cried. He has a feeling that would make more than a few people question his reliability when it comes to getting all of this information out there.

That, and it's a little embarrassing, however little embarrassment matters in this moment. He stares down at his knees up until the point at which Blue's hand rests on his shoulder, glancing up to meet the other's eyes. He nods, slowly.] We had to get our people out.

[They couldn't have brought the clones back like that, not the way they were. He and Aoba had had a tough enough time just trying to contain one.]

It is just one piece, but - it's starting to come together now. [He hadn't been prepared to see what he saw, but he had been right about one thing: he needed to see that. Whether they end up trying to save or erase the clones completely, they are still people. They have a responsibility to at least try to understand them. His voice is still quiet as he adds,] Thank you for showing that to me. You had to see it all again to do that, didn't you?

[mildly:] It's my nature. I'm more accustomed to such things than you are. [read: don't worry about me.

his hand withdraws from Jaime's shoulder, folding with his other on his lap.]

Moreover, what's important is what's done with this knowledge from here on out.

Yeah. [Jaime leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. His gaze drops back down to the floor once more, more of a thoughtful gesture than one meant to obscure his feelings or his expression.

What do they do from here? Before now, doing the right thing has always seemed so easy. That is no longer the truth, and there are two huge ideas that loom at the forefront of his mind, neither of them particularly palatable.]

What do you think we should do with this?

Build on it. We don't know enough yet to take action. We don't know how dependent these people are on the systems that have altered them. We don't know if they can even survive without them.

[he pauses, thinking. this is pulling all of his current concerns to the light. things he's reluctant to offer to others, but...must. he knows.]

Our greatest weakness is our lack of knowledge. We need to learn more about our enemy, and not only in this respect.

We don't even know the origin of this system, and not knowing is a terrible problem.

[Blue's answer is a lot more long-term than what he had been thinking of. His thoughts had simply been on recent events: the clones, the nuke, Exsilium.]

That's what you were getting at before, yeah? When you were asking everyone about what they'd do if they could just pull the plug on the UE's AI.

[he nods.]

The enemy knows we have the technology to find that point. To change it utterly. It's the finding it that could become one of our greatest tasks.

We could use trial and error, I guess? Every time we go back, learn a little more, get a little closer to when they decided that they needed something that extreme? Not to mention the why they decided they needed it.

[He still can't wrap his head around it, around Exsilium's past. Even trying to sort out time travel in his head gives him a headache, and the more he thinks about it, the more misgivings about it he's beginning to have.]

V. IC CONTACT (RETIRED)

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