[ There is a quiet and angry kind of desperation ringing in Flynn's voic. He needs to be responsible for this. He needs to be able to have done something about it, because the thing Flynn hates most, more than death and injustice and murder, is being powerless. He is terrified of the chaos of the universe, of a world where he is yanked to the whims of other people or sheer coincidence: there is a visceral kind of terror in it like staring into a blank void and hearing it call your name.
[the thing about that abyss is that refusing to accept it won't make it vanish, yet trying to alone is staggering. Blue could never, not on his own, and he can't expect Flynn to either.
but Flynn isn't alone.]
There are forces at play here, Flynn. Bigger than you. Me. All of us. There's...something sinister shifting among the moving city. It must be what ensnared you both, and those whose voices have reached me in dreaming.
Could you even...look me in the eye with certainty...and say you, I, or anyone can tear it down single-handed?
[ It bursts out of him all at once, sharp and short and full of anger at himself, and then Flynn shoves his head into Lion's mane and makes himself breathe, willing his voice not to shake. ]
It's—I've been trying to go up against forces greater than myself for years, Yuri was counting on me to change things and I'm here, which means I've already failed him once and now I fail him again—
[the lion hardly stirs, save for a twitching of whiskers and a flicking of an ear. on the other hand, Blue shifts, settling on his knees to better sit up closer. Flynn's fear-fueled frustration is like a burst of hot steam, and so it stays Blue's hand for a moment, but only a moment.
gently, he settles a comforting hand on Flynn's head.]
The only one...to speak to that is Yuri. Not you. [a pause.] Nor the Yuri...you are painting in your mind, right now. Laying all of your expectations into that shape, regardless of the true man you care about.
[ Flynn leans into that touch like a little kid, like a flower toward light. It has been so long since anyone touched him like this, since anyone cupped his head and let him sit like this, terrified and aching and unsure. He realizes with a startle that he can't quite remember when it was. His mother, possibly, but she hadn't touched him much in those final years, preferring her space. Hanks? But he was always the more back-slapping, quick-hug type, and Yuri—
Yuri, painted in his mind, weighed down by expectation.
Flynn wants to protest, but how can he? Yuri is always there, and Flynn expects—
Expects what?
He wants to ask Yuri, but he's not here. Flynn makes a hard sound in his own throat. ]
We have no idea what's happening. He might be, and the longer I sit here—
[that said, the lion shifts, catching onto Blue's intentions. the cat moves partly out of Flynn's lap, nosing the man's cheek before Blue can slip in the open space, rising up off his knees and wrapping his arms around Flynn's shoulders, bringing his face to the Mu's shoulder and returning his hand to the back of his head.]
It's enough. Flynn... [he swallows against a knot of emotion tightening in his throat.] You're doing enough. It...doesn't feel like it. But you are.
Enough that as Flynn is pulled close he goes stiff with surprise for a bare moment, sucking in a breath, and then he realizes he's done it and that Blue is pressing his head forward, letting its weight drop to his shoulder, and...
Flynn can't stay stiff in the face of that. Not even as he wars a moment with whether Blue can take his weight, not when he hasn't been held like this in even longer, most likely, in a way that makes him weak. His nose is squashed against Blue's shoulder, and his arms are warm and firm. After a moment of hesitation, Flynn lifts his own arm, wrapping it tight around Blue in turn, like he's carrying him except it's the other way around, isn't it?
What an odd feeling, not to be taking his own weight, to be close to someone who isn't Yuri. There are no layers of armor between them, and Flynn feels oddly bare for that reason alone, like he is smaller than he should be.
Doing enough, Blue says, and Flynn turns his head just a little, squeezing his eyes shut. ]
You're right. I know that.
[ Small, strained words. Flynn curls his other hand, sword-calloused fingers and all, into the lion's soft mane. ]
Of course you're right. I can't very well... rescue Yuri if I'm barely standing on my feet, but I can't— I almost lost him once, Blue. I can't...
If he comes back there they'll just kill him again. We have to do something.
[ Flynn's own voice is a shaky thing, tears welling up hot and fast. He shoves them down, though, because tears won't save Yuri right now. He can't make himself pull away, can't make himself do anything but lean uselessly on a person he is lucky to have, but he can do that much. Yuri wouldn't appreciate tears. He'd laugh at Flynn for crying, probably, and ask him what his plan was to fix it. ]
[no. not that. not that image. Blue actively pushes against that jeering vision of a Yuri who isn't even here, making an imposition upon Flynn he has, up until now, avoided doing. but right now? Flynn doesn't need to torture himself like this. he's already running on fumes.
sleep, he insists, and with that insistence, the will to press the rest of Flynn's reeling thoughts follows to force the man to give in, to rest. it means having to adjust to compensate for the weight sagging upon him, but with the lion's help, Blue is able to get Flynn into a position on that couch where he can sleep not uncomfortably. it does sap a lot of that free energy simply simmering in Flynn's emotions, so Blue himself has to rest as well, and that's why he winds up sitting on that couch with the man's head in his lap, his fingers still methodically brushing through his hair with a wish that it could prolong the spell he pushed upon him.]
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no subject
[ There is a quiet and angry kind of desperation ringing in Flynn's voic. He needs to be responsible for this. He needs to be able to have done something about it, because the thing Flynn hates most, more than death and injustice and murder, is being powerless. He is terrified of the chaos of the universe, of a world where he is yanked to the whims of other people or sheer coincidence: there is a visceral kind of terror in it like staring into a blank void and hearing it call your name.
If he's responsible, at least he has power.
Otherwise? ]
no subject
but Flynn isn't alone.]
There are forces at play here, Flynn. Bigger than you. Me. All of us. There's...something sinister shifting among the moving city. It must be what ensnared you both, and those whose voices have reached me in dreaming.
Could you even...look me in the eye with certainty...and say you, I, or anyone can tear it down single-handed?
no subject
[ It bursts out of him all at once, sharp and short and full of anger at himself, and then Flynn shoves his head into Lion's mane and makes himself breathe, willing his voice not to shake. ]
It's—I've been trying to go up against forces greater than myself for years, Yuri was counting on me to change things and I'm here, which means I've already failed him once and now I fail him again—
no subject
gently, he settles a comforting hand on Flynn's head.]
The only one...to speak to that is Yuri. Not you. [a pause.] Nor the Yuri...you are painting in your mind, right now. Laying all of your expectations into that shape, regardless of the true man you care about.
And he is not dead. Just...not here right now.
no subject
Yuri, painted in his mind, weighed down by expectation.
Flynn wants to protest, but how can he? Yuri is always there, and Flynn expects—
Expects what?
He wants to ask Yuri, but he's not here. Flynn makes a hard sound in his own throat. ]
We have no idea what's happening. He might be, and the longer I sit here—
no subject
[that said, the lion shifts, catching onto Blue's intentions. the cat moves partly out of Flynn's lap, nosing the man's cheek before Blue can slip in the open space, rising up off his knees and wrapping his arms around Flynn's shoulders, bringing his face to the Mu's shoulder and returning his hand to the back of his head.]
It's enough. Flynn... [he swallows against a knot of emotion tightening in his throat.] You're doing enough. It...doesn't feel like it. But you are.
no subject
Enough that as Flynn is pulled close he goes stiff with surprise for a bare moment, sucking in a breath, and then he realizes he's done it and that Blue is pressing his head forward, letting its weight drop to his shoulder, and...
Flynn can't stay stiff in the face of that. Not even as he wars a moment with whether Blue can take his weight, not when he hasn't been held like this in even longer, most likely, in a way that makes him weak. His nose is squashed against Blue's shoulder, and his arms are warm and firm. After a moment of hesitation, Flynn lifts his own arm, wrapping it tight around Blue in turn, like he's carrying him except it's the other way around, isn't it?
What an odd feeling, not to be taking his own weight, to be close to someone who isn't Yuri. There are no layers of armor between them, and Flynn feels oddly bare for that reason alone, like he is smaller than he should be.
Doing enough, Blue says, and Flynn turns his head just a little, squeezing his eyes shut. ]
You're right. I know that.
[ Small, strained words. Flynn curls his other hand, sword-calloused fingers and all, into the lion's soft mane. ]
Of course you're right. I can't very well... rescue Yuri if I'm barely standing on my feet, but I can't— I almost lost him once, Blue. I can't...
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he gently and methodically strokes at Flynn's hair while the young man struggles with his words.]
Don't treat him...as though he were already lost. Even here...it's not a certainty.
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[ Flynn's own voice is a shaky thing, tears welling up hot and fast. He shoves them down, though, because tears won't save Yuri right now. He can't make himself pull away, can't make himself do anything but lean uselessly on a person he is lucky to have, but he can do that much. Yuri wouldn't appreciate tears. He'd laugh at Flynn for crying, probably, and ask him what his plan was to fix it. ]
no subject
sleep, he insists, and with that insistence, the will to press the rest of Flynn's reeling thoughts follows to force the man to give in, to rest. it means having to adjust to compensate for the weight sagging upon him, but with the lion's help, Blue is able to get Flynn into a position on that couch where he can sleep not uncomfortably. it does sap a lot of that free energy simply simmering in Flynn's emotions, so Blue himself has to rest as well, and that's why he winds up sitting on that couch with the man's head in his lap, his fingers still methodically brushing through his hair with a wish that it could prolong the spell he pushed upon him.]
...I'm so sorry...Flynn...