[ Yuri hears the footsteps on the stairs, and steels himself for whatever this is going to be, without stopping in his cooking. He made enough for several people, since he rarely feeds only himself in this house.
He glances back at the sound of his name and offers Blue a small smile. ]
Hey, Blue.
[ Like nothing's wrong. Like he wasn't gone for five days, trapped in that place, somewhere between consciousness and unconsciousness, between his own mind and something else that kept trying to take over. ]
[another thing Blue knows is that Yuri is not particularly partial to displays of care in his regard.
...but they aren't entirely despised, either, because is it not human nature to want to feel cared for?
still, likely a bad move to touch or even think of a hug while he's in the midst of cooking, so Blue holds back on that impulse, instead redirecting that energy to simply moving into the kitchen proper.]
[ The trick with Yuri is that he pretends not to want to be cared for, but Blue can probably see past that, that he actually appreciates it when he is taken care of, even if it's mixed with feeling like he shouldn't be a burden on them.
At Blue's words, Yuri feels much of that: glad that Blue missed him, annoyed that he made Blue worry about him, and just so, so tired, of being hurt, of people he cares about hurting. ]
Yeah, me too. Sorry, to worry you.
[ That's the problem with people caring about him: he can hurt them because he's reckless, because he gets himself into dangerous situations. Even though he didn't choose this, didn't want it, he still hurt people, hurt Flynn and Blue, and he just wants things to be normal. ]
I worried...because you matter. Not because you did something to be sorry for. I did not think...about what you did or didn't do...I only thought on...whether you would be safe. Come back.
[explaining feelings aloud: the having-human-friends experience.]
[ That's the thing about Blue, isn't it? He doesn't shy away from saying things, as far as Yuri's seen. He's honest, straightforward, and he cuts right through Yuri's self-flagellation. He bows his head, staring down at the sizzling eggs. They're done, maybe overcooked, and he slips them onto two plates. ]
Want some?
[ Easier than tackling what Blue said, even if when he looks at Blue, that makes it a little harder. ]
[he sure is. and a little worse for wear, but...but better this than not at all, right?
Blue moves, pulling a chair out to sit down, which frees the lion to amble over and nudge at Yuri's side, to get some of the tactile comfort Blue won't ask for himself. lucky cat.]
Y'know, before I showed up here, I think I would've disagreed. My thoughts are my own, but... [ Having Blue in his head, sharing things with him, understanding him on a level he never really expected to find, it's nice. Really nice. ]
There was a time when Flynn and I were always in each other's business. We were a set, him and me, didn't do anything without each other. It was almost like knowing each other's thoughts. Not quite. [ He smiles down at his food. He misses that time more than he likes to admit. He's the one who messed it up, but still, he's nostalgic for it. Yeah, they still fought all the time, but they were a team. It feels different, now. ]
You mean... telling him what I think? [ Yuri glances up at Blue, raising an eyebrow. It's not like it's a revolutionary idea, but-- they did once know everything about each other. He hasn't quite figured out that that isn't true anymore. ]
I... guess so. [ He grimaces at using the same word, then shakes his head. ] I dunno, Blue. We're not really talkers. We usually work things out with swords instead of words.
[ Yuri opens his mouth, then shuts it again. At Aurnion, that last fight they had before everything, it really felt like they'd come to something, that they'd put everything behind them: the people Yuri had killed in the lieu of justice, the mistakes Flynn made with Alexei, the credit that Flynn got for Yuri's accomplishments. They put it to bed with the swing of their swords.
Didn't they?
Yuri, at least, is still plagued by what he did. Maybe Flynn doesn't blame him anymore, but he still blames himself. He knows he had to do it, but he still took men's lives, ended them instead of trying to do more, do better. Flynn still got credit for everything Yuri did, and still has trouble with that.
If that isn't what that fight did, then what did it do? ]
[ It isn't exactly agreement. He's not sure if he'll do it. Talking is so hard, especially with Flynn. Whenever they talk, they tend to argue, and when they argue, they tend to fight. It's not that he doesn't want to fight, but sometimes he doesn't. With something like this, like with the new parts of their relationship, he doesn't really want to know what Flynn really thinks. He's scared, maybe, and being scared usually, again, makes him want to fight, or flee, and neither of those solve anything.
He takes a bite instead. Maybe having a psychic living with him makes this an inevitability, but he didn't really think that Blue would get so much insight into his and Flynn's relationship, but that seems stupid, in retrospect. ]
Uh... you two got enough food, right? [ While he was gone. ]
[perhaps it is best to let them find their own way, but Blue can't help but feel a compulsion to insist, to impose...but that's not how humans work, is it? perhaps if asked, he could offer, but this sort of thing...
Blue exhales, trying to lay that want to rest. it's hard; restlessness is building up in his own heart, the consequence of being able to hear with his heart...but his own heart being unheard. even one-way silence is silence.
he lifts his head at the prompt.]
There was enough. I do not...have much of an appetite anymore. Any longer, then perhaps...there would have been trouble.
I'll make some stuff that'll keep, just in case. [ In case he's gone again, in case he's gone forever. He's seen people leave, going back to the sea, and he doesn't want to do that, not now, but he might not have a choice. That scares him, if he lets himself think about it too much.
But what Blue said is still rattling around in his head. He looks up at Blue again, still weaker than he should be, his body tired from blood loss, his mind exhausted from the sheer horror and nothingness of those day in the tower.
He wets his lips before asking: ]
Does it bother you? Flynn and me?
[ Because now that he's thinking about it, that must be pretty annoying to have to hear all the time. A relationship that Yuri doesn't even know what it is, and he's in it. ]
[the question and what leads to it paints a strained expression on Blue's face. a little hurt, but not solely because of the question.]
It doesn't. You don't. The only bothersome thing is knowing...I have no place there. Because of my nature, because of yours.
It's...differences we cannot reconcile. And I will not...resent either of you for it. No more than I can resent myself. [his mouth pulls briefly on one side.] And I am too old...to start doing that now.
[ He really can't imagine being in Trench without Blue. Even with Flynn, it would be lonely, strange. Blue's opened up his mind, in more ways than one, helped him when he was afraid of what he would do, to others, to himself. ]
The differences-- that we can't hear your thoughts?
I guess, yeah. I... [ He wrinkles his nose, not really wanting to say this, but it's right there ] You could tell us. What you're thinking. I know it's not the same, but that's what you just said, right? It's better if we don't have to guess. And it would, y'know, be more fair, if that's what you're worried about.
But, hey, you don't have to. I'm grateful that you're here, too. [ It is easier, with Blue, to say stuff like that. Blue already probably knows anyway, so what's verbalizing it? Blue was his friend friend in Trench, the first person who took care of him after Flynn's death, a person who wants to stick by him and who is he to say anything about that? ] You have a place here as long as you want it.
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He glances back at the sound of his name and offers Blue a small smile. ]
Hey, Blue.
[ Like nothing's wrong. Like he wasn't gone for five days, trapped in that place, somewhere between consciousness and unconsciousness, between his own mind and something else that kept trying to take over. ]
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...but they aren't entirely despised, either, because is it not human nature to want to feel cared for?
still, likely a bad move to touch or even think of a hug while he's in the midst of cooking, so Blue holds back on that impulse, instead redirecting that energy to simply moving into the kitchen proper.]
I'm grateful...you've come back.
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At Blue's words, Yuri feels much of that: glad that Blue missed him, annoyed that he made Blue worry about him, and just so, so tired, of being hurt, of people he cares about hurting. ]
Yeah, me too. Sorry, to worry you.
[ That's the problem with people caring about him: he can hurt them because he's reckless, because he gets himself into dangerous situations. Even though he didn't choose this, didn't want it, he still hurt people, hurt Flynn and Blue, and he just wants things to be normal. ]
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I worried...because you matter. Not because you did something to be sorry for. I did not think...about what you did or didn't do...I only thought on...whether you would be safe. Come back.
[explaining feelings aloud: the having-human-friends experience.]
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Want some?
[ Easier than tackling what Blue said, even if when he looks at Blue, that makes it a little harder. ]
...thanks. I'm back now.
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Blue moves, pulling a chair out to sit down, which frees the lion to amble over and nudge at Yuri's side, to get some of the tactile comfort Blue won't ask for himself. lucky cat.]
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Worried about me, too, huh?
[ It's... nice. It is easier to accept affection from animals.
He turns to the table and slides a plate in front of Blue before dropping into the chair next to him. ]
You okay? Nothing got to you, right?
[ Flynn would have told him, but even so, he worries. He wouldn't want to see Blue in that place, even more unable to fight back than Yuri was ]
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he hesitates.] And in what...Flynn's memory holds.
But I was not there. And a friend was able to get me away from...one of those culprits.
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Man, you really get a raw deal, huh? Still have to deal with that stuff, even if you're not there.
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...I think...it would be worse. Not knowing. Having silence.
It's one thing...I can't really understand about humans. Being...alone in your own thoughts. [it's a terrifying notion.]
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There was a time when Flynn and I were always in each other's business. We were a set, him and me, didn't do anything without each other. It was almost like knowing each other's thoughts. Not quite. [ He smiles down at his food. He misses that time more than he likes to admit. He's the one who messed it up, but still, he's nostalgic for it. Yeah, they still fought all the time, but they were a team. It feels different, now. ]
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It would be...better to know each other's thoughts...by words. I think. [talk to each other, you absolute clowns.]
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Otherwise...you can only guess. Right? And your guesses...are based more on yourself...than anyone else. They're yours, after all.
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...How do you know...that the answer you come to...at the end of a blade...is the same as his?
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Didn't they?
Yuri, at least, is still plagued by what he did. Maybe Flynn doesn't blame him anymore, but he still blames himself. He knows he had to do it, but he still took men's lives, ended them instead of trying to do more, do better. Flynn still got credit for everything Yuri did, and still has trouble with that.
If that isn't what that fight did, then what did it do? ]
I-- dunno. It feels like we do.
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at last, he breaks eye contact, looking down at the plate he hadn't even touched yet.]
I think...it is worth asking. If that's true.
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[ It isn't exactly agreement. He's not sure if he'll do it. Talking is so hard, especially with Flynn. Whenever they talk, they tend to argue, and when they argue, they tend to fight. It's not that he doesn't want to fight, but sometimes he doesn't. With something like this, like with the new parts of their relationship, he doesn't really want to know what Flynn really thinks. He's scared, maybe, and being scared usually, again, makes him want to fight, or flee, and neither of those solve anything.
He takes a bite instead. Maybe having a psychic living with him makes this an inevitability, but he didn't really think that Blue would get so much insight into his and Flynn's relationship, but that seems stupid, in retrospect. ]
Uh... you two got enough food, right? [ While he was gone. ]
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Blue exhales, trying to lay that want to rest. it's hard; restlessness is building up in his own heart, the consequence of being able to hear with his heart...but his own heart being unheard. even one-way silence is silence.
he lifts his head at the prompt.]
There was enough. I do not...have much of an appetite anymore. Any longer, then perhaps...there would have been trouble.
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But what Blue said is still rattling around in his head. He looks up at Blue again, still weaker than he should be, his body tired from blood loss, his mind exhausted from the sheer horror and nothingness of those day in the tower.
He wets his lips before asking: ]
Does it bother you? Flynn and me?
[ Because now that he's thinking about it, that must be pretty annoying to have to hear all the time. A relationship that Yuri doesn't even know what it is, and he's in it. ]
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It doesn't. You don't. The only bothersome thing is knowing...I have no place there. Because of my nature, because of yours.
It's...differences we cannot reconcile. And I will not...resent either of you for it. No more than I can resent myself. [his mouth pulls briefly on one side.] And I am too old...to start doing that now.
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[ He really can't imagine being in Trench without Blue. Even with Flynn, it would be lonely, strange. Blue's opened up his mind, in more ways than one, helped him when he was afraid of what he would do, to others, to himself. ]
The differences-- that we can't hear your thoughts?
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It's unfair to you two. And myself, in some way... But if I were alone...I'd be truly lost.
I'm grateful...that you two...accept me. I wish other Mu could...feel this acceptance.
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But, hey, you don't have to. I'm grateful that you're here, too. [ It is easier, with Blue, to say stuff like that. Blue already probably knows anyway, so what's verbalizing it? Blue was his friend friend in Trench, the first person who took care of him after Flynn's death, a person who wants to stick by him and who is he to say anything about that? ] You have a place here as long as you want it.
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