The powers we are bargaining with... Really are beyond our understanding.
[who gets hurt if he undoes his personal regret? who is spared? does letting Physis keep her trauma lock away her foresight for good? will that mean they...never find Jomy?
he'd...never live this long, if that's the case. none of them would.
but he's here right now. so...maybe...?
this sort of stuff...it's never been in the realm of possibility, so it's not like he ever thought hard about it before! but now...
he rubs at his forehead, letting out a weary sigh.]
They are. But that's why alongside our goals my aim is to better understand those things, too.
[ How much easier or harder would that be, though? "It's difficult to understand the feelings hidden in one's heart." I'm still not even all that great at that. These orbs and Ximilia's OG's crew, are they on the same level, or something even more difficult to understand? ]
I'll ask Viveca about it tomorrow. At least if she has answers, she's a little more forthcoming about them than the Commander.
But, have you met Megatron and Drift? The Cybertronians. They somewhat resemble the machines - the mobile suits I'm used to. But Megatron's explained that they came into existence on their home planet in the same manner humans did.
And, being here for as long as I have, meeting people like you and Sabriel who can do things formerly out of my own realm of possibility, I never know what the limits of that realm are anymore. [ If there are any at all. ]
In a place like this, there doesn't seem to be many.
[ And, he thinks, learning just how far those stretch is going to end up in needing to adjust. More lifeforms, more powers, more things he probably hasn't even considered that are going to blow his mind or throw him completely off like he's been so many times here already.
[Blue shakes his head slightly, not answering right away.
eventually:] I still can't do it. Believe...that machine. Even knowing this is...an entirely different world. Different rules. Even so, in my heart...I can't.
It will be fine...if it only holds me back. But if it means...holding you or anyone else back...
Why would that hold the rest of us back? I don't think any of us have a complete trust in Viveca or the Commander. I sure as hell don't!
By far I have more trust in people like you and the teammates I'd consider more than just allies. Because we're all in the same situation. Not that either of them have said or done anything to cause me to completely dismiss and distrust them, but I also know all too well that those in positions of power can very easily use it for the worst reason and be wonderful actors about it.
But we're still here despite those feelings, aren't we? So it's fine to have them, so long as they don't grow so strong that they stop us in our tracks completely. You can't alter the path you're on at all if you aren't moving on it. And if that ends up needing to be done, it won't be Viveca you have to put your belief in.
Of course, one hopes that won't be needed at all in the first place.
[those words are the kind he could tell himself and resent for having said them, yet hearing them from someone else makes them more alright to have in the first place. it's the kind of exchange that happens more unconsciously, more organically among Mu...and it's one Blue has to be grateful Yzak or anyone else would give him like this.
his expression softens and he gives a little nod.]
Still here...despite everything. Yes. You're right.
Thank you, Yzak.
[he doesn't know how people can stand it...stewing in their own thoughts, all alone.]
Of course I'm right. We're a team! So whatever awaits us, we'll figure it out together.
[ He'd like to think he's smarter than he used to be. Less susceptible to deceit. After being duped by his own commander and realizing what that power really meant once he was in that uniform himself ... he isn't sure what he thinks of Degar. Talking around questions, never giving a straight answer, but charismatic and assured. It's familiar, and not in a good way. But ... does that mean it's always bad? Does it always mean a person has bad intentions? It's hard to tell and not let his own bad experience color this in ways it shouldn't be ... so once again he thinks of it; it's difficult to understand the feelings hidden in one's heart.
But he'll never know either way if he doesn't act. Doesn't move. Doesn't strive to learn that. ]
That isn't the case, anyway. All of this being too good to be true. Today is proof of the opposite, isn't it?
[ Glancing down at that hand, and he doesn't pull away from it, nor does the action cause anything bad to blossom within him. But it still causes a little shift - maybe more an odd bewilderment than something uncomfortable. A touch awkward, but accepted and even ... enjoyed? He's sitting on the same bed as a nice cute guy he's PRETTY soft for and just made cry in a good way and that's not lost on him here with the way his mind tends to over-think everything. And look, he danced with Sabriel earlier today and immediately made it Weird when he absolutely did not have to, he's just like this. But this is fine, don't make it weird Yzak, don't make it weird. ]
Well ... I'd hope you wouldn't need too many of those. But obviously you can just ask if you need any more in the future.
[it's easy to detect the little buzz of mixed reaction that a simple touch causes. it gives Blue pause, because he's more apt to recoil and apologize for causing a disturbance to keep the peace, but...well. he considers how such intentions went the first time he tried to diffuse the situation back in Braccia.
circumstances are as such that there's no need to be hasty, right?]
Likewise. If you're worried about something...I don't mind to listen. Your thoughts don't bother me. [cause look. Yzak, you got a busy mind? but Newt...]
[ No need at all. Especially since at his core, Yzak actually likes this kind of thing (and desperately needs it). He's just overly guarded about it not only because his brain is still pretty unhealthily rooted in duty he doesn't really want to have, but as a result of that he tries way too hard and goes overboard to avoid accidentally falling face first into feelings.
Your thoughts don't bother me. As intense as loud and occasionally bad and weird and reactive as they can be. He knows this deep down despite Blue's reassurance, because he wouldn't be sitting where he is now if it were any other way. Still, it's nice to hear. He likes it when others want to be near him, want to actually know him, aren't bothered by him or the shit always swirling around in his brain. ]
Good to know. [ The response is short, but clearly appreciated.
After he says that he tilts his head, gazing straight at him. ]
You're one to say something like that, though! You'll hear and feel everything, anyway. [ No ire or anything there (just a vulnerability, but in this moment it isn't a negative sort), because after that he says: ]
But don't forget, I can't read minds or anything! So ... if you're offering something like that, I hope you're aware that you can - and perhaps are willing to do the same.
True... I have to remember to speak to them, don't I. [his eyes crinkle a bit.] Even if I already know...they would fluster you.
[because admittedly, spending so much time around James and Finn has gotten him into the practice of perceiving people more physically than psychically - forms as features, not just function. that said...Yzak's one of the fairer-looking ones. coupled with the little, bubbling moments of delight at the prolonged company makes him very endearing.]
I won't even ask if you're prepared for that...because I believe the answer would be rather emphatic.
You do. Obviously I can't make you! But I can remind you to keep it in mind. [ Admittedly, he thinks, it would be nice, to feel a little more on equal footing when it comes to that sort of thing. ]
But hey, what do you mean flustered!? [ He says that outloud, automatically, but Blue will feel the immediate self-awareness that, okay, he's got him there. He knows how he gets sometimes. Ugh.
Still, he does add, because he's him: ] I'm prepared for anything!
[he withdraws his hand gently as a means of relenting just a little bit, but not entirely.
while folding his hands in his lap, eyes downcast toward them:] Our first proper encounter. Braccia. I had...only been awake a handful of days. Everything...was so confusing. Disorienting. So many strange, new things...vibrant minds... I definitely wasn't prepared for any of it.
[he looks back over, his smile a little soberer.]
I would've been in a great deal of trouble...had you not helped me out then. Despite the frustration I had caused you at the onset. [and before he can scoff and cut in:] Though I know that hardly matters to you, because you were focused on taking care of everyone, frustrating or not.
You're right about that, of course it hardly matters to me!
[ ... ]
But it's not like I can't say the same thing, even though I didn't have the luxury of being new to how things worked on missions and within our team. Strange new things still find me surprisingly unprepared, I'll admit.
[ He crosses his arms, thinking back to what Blue said about trust, Viveca... those hurts from his own universe making it so hard for him to believe in her. ]
Even back home, when it comes to the Naturals; determination, preparedness for anything, and the willingness to adapt. I have that all, too! But even back there, it's something everybody is working on.
[ Memory of a feeling comes through, Yzak speaking to his comrades, wishing to understand how they came to the conclusion that they did to fight to end the war on their own terms, that the future was not for Naturals or Coordinators, but both. "I don't understand how you came to that conclusion, so I've decided to search for it myself." ]
[his expression warms, listening, taking in the reasoning behind his words.]
That adaptability... I admire it in humans. In you. It gets a little hard to change...when you've been alive for so long, living the same circumstances.
You'll have to help me along a while more...when it gets hard to adjust.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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The powers we are bargaining with... Really are beyond our understanding.
[who gets hurt if he undoes his personal regret? who is spared? does letting Physis keep her trauma lock away her foresight for good? will that mean they...never find Jomy?
he'd...never live this long, if that's the case. none of them would.
but he's here right now. so...maybe...?
this sort of stuff...it's never been in the realm of possibility, so it's not like he ever thought hard about it before! but now...
he rubs at his forehead, letting out a weary sigh.]
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[ How much easier or harder would that be, though? "It's difficult to understand the feelings hidden in one's heart." I'm still not even all that great at that. These orbs and Ximilia's OG's crew, are they on the same level, or something even more difficult to understand? ]
I'll ask Viveca about it tomorrow. At least if she has answers, she's a little more forthcoming about them than the Commander.
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[and it's a different matter entirely whether or not she's honest.]
Have you ever heard...of a machine with no maker before?
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But, have you met Megatron and Drift? The Cybertronians. They somewhat resemble the machines - the mobile suits I'm used to. But Megatron's explained that they came into existence on their home planet in the same manner humans did.
And, being here for as long as I have, meeting people like you and Sabriel who can do things formerly out of my own realm of possibility, I never know what the limits of that realm are anymore. [ If there are any at all. ]
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mumbled:] ...Neither do I.
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[ And, he thinks, learning just how far those stretch is going to end up in needing to adjust. More lifeforms, more powers, more things he probably hasn't even considered that are going to blow his mind or throw him completely off like he's been so many times here already.
He looks over at Blue curiously. ]
What is it?
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eventually:] I still can't do it. Believe...that machine. Even knowing this is...an entirely different world. Different rules. Even so, in my heart...I can't.
It will be fine...if it only holds me back. But if it means...holding you or anyone else back...
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By far I have more trust in people like you and the teammates I'd consider more than just allies. Because we're all in the same situation. Not that either of them have said or done anything to cause me to completely dismiss and distrust them, but I also know all too well that those in positions of power can very easily use it for the worst reason and be wonderful actors about it.
You're not alone in your feelings there.
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It's not wrong to think...that all of this...is too good to be true. To last.
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But we're still here despite those feelings, aren't we? So it's fine to have them, so long as they don't grow so strong that they stop us in our tracks completely. You can't alter the path you're on at all if you aren't moving on it. And if that ends up needing to be done, it won't be Viveca you have to put your belief in.
Of course, one hopes that won't be needed at all in the first place.
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his expression softens and he gives a little nod.]
Still here...despite everything. Yes. You're right.
Thank you, Yzak.
[he doesn't know how people can stand it...stewing in their own thoughts, all alone.]
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[ He'd like to think he's smarter than he used to be. Less susceptible to deceit. After being duped by his own commander and realizing what that power really meant once he was in that uniform himself ... he isn't sure what he thinks of Degar. Talking around questions, never giving a straight answer, but charismatic and assured. It's familiar, and not in a good way. But ... does that mean it's always bad? Does it always mean a person has bad intentions? It's hard to tell and not let his own bad experience color this in ways it shouldn't be ... so once again he thinks of it; it's difficult to understand the feelings hidden in one's heart.
But he'll never know either way if he doesn't act. Doesn't move. Doesn't strive to learn that. ]
That isn't the case, anyway. All of this being too good to be true. Today is proof of the opposite, isn't it?
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But I can assure you I'm not some figment of your imagination. As much as a lot of the things here sure feel like they can't be real, sometimes...!
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I appreciate the reminder.
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Well ... I'd hope you wouldn't need too many of those. But obviously you can just ask if you need any more in the future.
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circumstances are as such that there's no need to be hasty, right?]
Likewise. If you're worried about something...I don't mind to listen. Your thoughts don't bother me. [cause look. Yzak, you got a busy mind? but Newt...]
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Your thoughts don't bother me. As intense as loud and occasionally bad and weird and reactive as they can be. He knows this deep down despite Blue's reassurance, because he wouldn't be sitting where he is now if it were any other way. Still, it's nice to hear. He likes it when others want to be near him, want to actually know him, aren't bothered by him or the shit always swirling around in his brain. ]
Good to know. [ The response is short, but clearly appreciated.
After he says that he tilts his head, gazing straight at him. ]
You're one to say something like that, though! You'll hear and feel everything, anyway. [ No ire or anything there (just a vulnerability, but in this moment it isn't a negative sort), because after that he says: ]
But don't forget, I can't read minds or anything! So ... if you're offering something like that, I hope you're aware that you can - and perhaps are willing to do the same.
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True... I have to remember to speak to them, don't I. [his eyes crinkle a bit.] Even if I already know...they would fluster you.
[because admittedly, spending so much time around James and Finn has gotten him into the practice of perceiving people more physically than psychically - forms as features, not just function. that said...Yzak's one of the fairer-looking ones. coupled with the little, bubbling moments of delight at the prolonged company makes him very endearing.]
I won't even ask if you're prepared for that...because I believe the answer would be rather emphatic.
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But hey, what do you mean flustered!? [ He says that outloud, automatically, but Blue will feel the immediate self-awareness that, okay, he's got him there. He knows how he gets sometimes. Ugh.
Still, he does add, because he's him: ] I'm prepared for anything!
[ Yzak you know not what you speak of. ]
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That kind of determination...I definitely wasn't ready to face it, back then. But it's a very good quality on you, Yzak. I'm grateful for it.
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-as well as the way he easily deflates from it when Blue continues.
And he can never brush off a compliment, so. ]
Well, I've got plenty of those. [ Good qualities. ]
When do you mean, exactly? By back then?
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while folding his hands in his lap, eyes downcast toward them:] Our first proper encounter. Braccia. I had...only been awake a handful of days. Everything...was so confusing. Disorienting. So many strange, new things...vibrant minds... I definitely wasn't prepared for any of it.
[he looks back over, his smile a little soberer.]
I would've been in a great deal of trouble...had you not helped me out then. Despite the frustration I had caused you at the onset. [and before he can scoff and cut in:] Though I know that hardly matters to you, because you were focused on taking care of everyone, frustrating or not.
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[ ... ]
But it's not like I can't say the same thing, even though I didn't have the luxury of being new to how things worked on missions and within our team. Strange new things still find me surprisingly unprepared, I'll admit.
[ He crosses his arms, thinking back to what Blue said about trust, Viveca... those hurts from his own universe making it so hard for him to believe in her. ]
Even back home, when it comes to the Naturals; determination, preparedness for anything, and the willingness to adapt. I have that all, too! But even back there, it's something everybody is working on.
[ Memory of a feeling comes through, Yzak speaking to his comrades, wishing to understand how they came to the conclusion that they did to fight to end the war on their own terms, that the future was not for Naturals or Coordinators, but both. "I don't understand how you came to that conclusion, so I've decided to search for it myself." ]
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That adaptability... I admire it in humans. In you. It gets a little hard to change...when you've been alive for so long, living the same circumstances.
You'll have to help me along a while more...when it gets hard to adjust.
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