[ That's right. The world Blue is from is what Yzak's might have if their last war ended differently. He still lacks every little detail, but the simple concept of a world with such little free will ... he can see why a society would become so limited, distant, loveless.
Hm. In a way, Yzak's done that to himself a bit, hasn't he? A strange thought to have in this moment.
The way that light frames Blue is very knownst to Yzak. He shifts his weight and tilts his head a little, staring. ]
Frightening ... in an entirely bad way?
[ There's an honest curiosity there. Some empathizing, too, because it's not to that extent, but these feelings for Blue have been similar, opening a part of himself he didn't know was there. ]
[that's easy to answer quickly, even if the followup takes a moment.]
If it were...myself alone, then it would be. But the way you're feeling...is a lot like how I am now. I'm relieved for that.
It's frightening...to strike out somewhere unknown alone, isn't it. Even if it's...something about yourself that's unknown. Especially if it's something like that.
[when he exhales, there's something of a weak laugh in his breath.]
But the person I am in dreams...that body of mine... I suppose that is a better impression than reality. [because he's quite sure this feeble form of his is a poor comparison.]
[ He crosses his arms, thoughtful as he takes a couple of steps toward Blue. At least... talking about it like this is a little easier. ]
You have a point there.
[ About that first thing. Hearing Blue talk about if it were himself alone ... this urge he feels trigger inside to not want to let him be alone in any capacity makes him glad he isn't, either.
He frowns when Blue says that second thing, though. Sure, he couldn't help but be concerned at that weak form of his... the one he's gazing at now, just as attracted to it - to him, as he was in the dream. And then his voice dips the tiniest bit, a bit sheepish. ]
I'm pretty sure I didn't have a dream like that ... because I care about what your body looks like.
[that compulsion to be nearby...being the type of person he is, how can Blue not notice it? it stirs up a very similar feeling, and as Yzak steps over, Blue looks up with a more flushed expression because of it.
looking at Yzak now, it's impossible to not think of his lithe, strong body against his own, to want to be held again, to feel his breath... the ache remains, and it grows, coloring that expression of his with clear-to-see longing.]
And I didn't...find my way to that dream...by accident. We wanted the same thing, Yzak... We still do.
[ The look in his eyes, and the way the sunbeam hitting him brings a glow to the edges of Blue's light hair and soft features make Yzak feel like this is as much of a dream as earlier. We still do. The statement hangs in his mind as he closes the distance between them.
The way his arms quickly snap out almost makes it seem like he's going to just grab Blue, but there's that focused, controlled care when they envelope him, one arm sliding around his shoulders, the other around his waist. The embrace is full, but gentle when Yzak pulls him up against him, careful as he can manage not to cause him any pain, but not so careful to overdo it and offend him or something. (can't give those lackluster hugs, after all)
The sunlight manages to somewhat wash out the color on his own cheeks, but it's still clearly there, as much a sign of the nervous rush of excitement as the way pulling Blue close to him lets him feel his racing heart. ]
[there's a soft sound in reaction while Blue shifts in turn to accommodate the embrace, one arm pressed between them while the other wraps around Yzak's shoulders. doing so might coax Yzak to settle on a knee or pull Blue up from sitting - either way, they're not letting go for a bit, so they may as well get comfortable.
the safety and comfort Blue feels in being like this together can't be understated; he could try and explain it and fail, because words are only the effort to explain a feeling, a state of being. it gives him permission to feel a little weaker without having to explain himself; he's always got to find some means to apologize for his shortcomings, it seems...except right now. right now he can draw in a shaky breath and breathe in a comforting scent, resting his head on Yzak's shoulder, fully embraced by an earnest and caring heart whose want is for him.]
[ Yzak is more than willing to accommodate here, so gets down on a knee when Blue's arm wraps around him. Such a familiar feeling from that dream, yet so different. The first time what he came to expect to feel when holding Blue's delicate body like this, he didn't. And now this time around that feeling from earlier is still so fresh in his mind he has to readjust again. He doesn't mind, of course, how could he so long as he gets to do this? ]
Hey. [ Muffled, because he doesn't want to pull away from him. ] What did you mean before? When you said 'someone like you'.
[he doesn't answer right away, replaying that moment. it's easy to get lost in the delight of those dreamed-up pleasures, but he makes himself recall what he'd said, what he'd felt then beyond that pleasure.
someone like me...]
...A Mu...already past the boundaries of the heart... And even then... [he exhales.] This body's so frayed, Yzak. [his voice thickens a little in saying it aloud, and he needs to swallow back on the feeling.] How can I be enough? You deserve...better. No matter what I want now, there's...things I can't do. So many things, not just...this...
[ He tilts his own head to rest it against Blue's on his shoulder, silent and listening to him with a small frown. ]
... what I said then, too, still applies.
[ He utters back. When he said he didn't have to doubt like that with him. Even those times back home, when he'd let his mind drift before yanking it back as he always did, he's come to the same kind of conclusion; about people he likes, people he's drawn to. He who seeks accomplishment and perfection, but knows deep down that he himself is pretty imperfect. He strives, he works, he pushes himself and tries his best. That's what he gravitates to in others. Others who are in their own ways "imperfect" like he is. Others who are just themselves. (because really, as much as Yzak always claims to want perfection, imagine him with someone like that, he'd hate it) ]
Stupid. [ He adds, in that harmless, fond sort of way. ] I'm pretty sure whatever you think is 'better' or 'enough' is way off! You think I'd bother with anything if I agreed with something like that?
[ Plus, he thinks after saying that, if he did try to argue with himself, talk himself into believing that, even Yzak knows that despite any efforts there, at the end of the day one simply can't help the way they feel about something, someone. ]
[that harrumph of a remark, softened by the tone it's spoken in, pulls at Blue's heart - tickles him, even; he can't help but smile, some of the weight of his worry alleviating because of it.
he breathes out a gentle laugh, some of those worries going with it, and holds him a little tighter for a few beats, after which he relaxes and moves back so he can smile eye-to-eye with Yzak, grateful and affectionate.]
[ His experience with Blue gives him enough impression that he does at least ... ask, when he needs help. So Yzak isn't keen on preaching more to that, though the notion still passes through his mind. That as a team, they can all help one another if there's something they can't do. But he knows Blue's circumstance is ... different there. Still, it's that natural, human urge to want to do something for someone they care about, even if they can't.
Hearing his laugh and seeing his smile feels as good as any kind of accomplishment he's achieved. So when Blue leans in to kiss him, Yzak leans back into it to kiss him back. After the second one, he lingers close, though after a couple of beats he averts his gaze. His lips purse some and he looks kind of awkward as he asks. ]
I was going to ask about that. What you can ... do.
[ A quick, suggestive glance. U KNOW... here he goes flustering again. ]
I-I'm not asking that because I'm expecting anything, though!!
[Blue's eyes crinkle with a bit of amusement at the fluster; Yzak is very endearing in a lot of ways, but especially this way. he moves the arm stuck between them up so he rest both of his hands on Yzak's neck, where he knows it feels nice, slipping under damp hair.]
I don't know yet. My limits...We'll have to find out together. Is that alright?
[ You know for all Dearka jokes about Yzak's head exploding, the way his face is heating up right now makes that a very real possibility. This whole last month has brought him dangerously close to it. And it's all thanks to Blue.
Those amused red eyes, the way he suggests that without so much as a stutter ... he's gonna die (but in the best way). Yzak just stares back with the expressional equivalent of "holy shit."
And then he swallows with a small nod, pulling his hand from Blue's shoulders to rest on one of his own on his neck, Blue's fingers warm against the cooled skin from his hair.
(suddenly that cold shower he took seems like a waste) ]
[the nod may be meek, but Blue knows that despite the fluster, it's an honest answer. Blue hums an approving note and, as Yzak's hand settles on his neck, tilts his head to kiss him once more - this time seeking to part his lips and take a deeper, more passionate kiss. despite that chilly shower, Yzak's lips are warm, soft...]
[ Everything in his body starts to feel warm again despite the shower. Yzak shuts his eyes and likewise indulges in that kiss, tongue moving to seek out Blue's. He really didn't need to avoid putting that blouse back on after all, huh?
He stays where he is, one knee still braced on the floor as the hand around Blue's waist sneaks under his shirt, fingers caressing skin around to his hip, and then a couple of inches up his side, hiking the shirt up some with it. He's careful, making sure he doesn't end up doing something too hard (or too soft, because he'd still like to get a nice reaction out of him), and getting an idea of how Blue's body actually feels. What he can do. ]
[reality is different than an idealized dream: Blue's been thinning as time's gone on in Ximilia, so Yzak doesn't have to work at all to find his fingers grazing over impression of bone - especially the spine. when he does, that does elicit a little sound out of Blue, compels him to sit up a little straighter for a beat as the tingle passes up and down. this brings him closer, a little taller, prompting a parting of their mouths - good timing, because he needed a breath anyway.
softly, with a heavy-lidded gaze:] You feel...better than a dream, Yzak. [he combs his fingers through some of his hair.]
[ If not for Blue's dream merging with Yzak's own earlier, he might have dreamt something closer to this on his own. The Blue he knows a little better rather than the one he had only met in dreams (like Kilnan). The underlying buzz of concern is still there ... the one that comes naturally, the one he can't help but feel even if he's trying to focus otherwise. Blue was asleep all day, wasn't he? After this ... maybe they should both have a little to eat.
Above that concern but below Yzak's main focus is the layer of doubt he lacked in sleep. Asking why, wondering what the point is because this regret-undoing mission won't last forever, will it? Even if he kept this up, it's not going to end well regardless of outcome. Blue is dying. And if that doesn't happen first, what's going to become of them once this is over? If things even make it that far in the first place to reach one of those ends - who's to say something else won't happen? He proved his point, maybe he wants to reconsider going along with things back home. But what are actions here going to do that matter at all later other than give him a taste of something that's already taken such a hold on him and then tear it away?
All of those layers are being shoved down as hard as possible, because Yzak doesn't want them there. At both his surface and at his deepest, what he's doing here and now is what he actually wants. To feel Blue's fingers running through his hair, sending a shiver down the back of his neck. To feel Blue's skin under his own, even as they run up and over ribs that he can feel too well - but that fact doesn't matter as much as that Yzak simply wishes to be close to him like this, to make him happy. To find some of his own happiness within that because more and more, he comes to simply like Blue (and that's dangerous, warn those whispers). This kind of closeness, this kind of acceptance, this is what allows him to focus with little trouble. Maybe aside from the occasional twitch of a finger, or the slight pause before he responds to Blue after taking in that expression on his face.
Better than a dream... he'd hope so. There's that twinge of self assessment again, competing against ... himself...? His cool ass dream self, is definitely weird as he remembered it all so vividly. ]
This ... does feel better already. [ He agrees with a thought, Blue's words warming him all over. And then he adds, earnest: ] ... and if something feels the opposite, you better tell me.
[ Because he wants to make sure nothing goes awry here! Ducking his head to press his lips under Blue's chin, Yzak shifts to rest his other knee on the floor, still otherwise kneeling up straight. ]
[it'd be foolish to think Blue couldn't sense it - those doubts, the misgivings of what the future holds beyond a kiss and a touch. in this deafeningly silent town, Yzak's heart and mind are all the louder... but the language of the body is just as important now, even if he doesn't know it well yet. and is it wrong to want to focus on just this? when there's a mission, a dreary end to the road ahead?
despite the uncertain future, Yzak's still honest in the want to find happiness...and that means a lot to Blue. because of all the people to connect to in this way, he chose him? one whose form is already fraught, who from moment-one left Yzak on shifty ground. the thought moves him almost as much as Yzak's lips on his throat do, prompting a lifting and tilting of his head, breathing in and out a soft, contented huff.
still...some of Yzak's doubts are right: they should've eaten something. Blue had been asleep for almost a full 24 hours, and each heavy breath leaves him a little more lightheaded than the one before, and all the kisses and roaming touches in the world won't stave off dizziness. it's why there's an eventual moment where Blue's head lolls and lifts with a little start, catching quick awareness to the swimming sensation that isn't pleasant creeping up from beneath all that's nice and comforting.]
Wait... [his fingers squeeze and relax with the ask as his mouth hangs open, a telltale glassy look to his eyes.] Dizzy...
Mnh... [he sags a little - as much as Yzak's hold lets him - brow furrowing as he holds his next breath for a beat before letting it out.] Too much air, perhaps...made my head swim. [his head dips resting against Yzak's while he waits out the static.]
Forgive me. Just for a moment... It happens...after a long rest. [gee and getting all sauced up that quickly probably has something to do with it, too.]
[ Pressing his head back to Blue's, he holds him up just enough to be comfortable. ]
It's fine. [ This is exactly why he wanted to make sure Blue didn't feel obligated to push himself for his sake. His well being is way more important than some fooling around! ] You were out for nearly a day and a half.
[ So did he, but he's ever a man of the right priorities, even if he's horned up.
Yzak climbs back up to his feet, slowly pulling his hands away from Blue once he's sure he'll be able to sit up for a second. And then he goes to fetch him a glass of water, some of their rations, and some ... meaty looking things. ]
The rations we have, or snake jerky. Take your pick.
[ He holds both out to Blue, eyes still watching him closely. ]
The snakes are edible - actually edible. So we don't have to worry about running out of what we have anymore.
[the worst of the haze has passed, but Blue is still drained, expression drawn. it doesn't feel great, having to cut off such pleasant interaction regardless of the reason...and especially this reason.
still, he is quiet and forcibly patient, aware of the mounting concern and pivot of focus coming from Yzak. it's not unlike that focus that would come from his Mu peers...it just lacks that undercurrent of anxiety regarding their own fates, should he fail them. no - Yzak's anxiety is a different color and frequency.
he takes the glass, having a couple small sips, brow furrowing. his throat really was dry, so that helps...but the sight of food, especially in light of all the distressing food-talk, doesn't really stir up an appetite.
after another sip:] There's...supplements. On the nightstand. Can you get them...? In a pouch...
[ Supplements rather than some of the food? His frown dips some, but it's still ... something, isn't it? Better than nothing at all. With an acknowledging nod, Yzak does as requested, trading the food for the pouch.
It's easy enough to find in their new, slightly smaller space. Yzak took it upon himself to grab everything they had in their former lodging, so the room looks a little less bare now. ]
Here.
[ As he moves to sit down next to Blue on the bed, he hands the pouch to him. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Hm. In a way, Yzak's done that to himself a bit, hasn't he? A strange thought to have in this moment.
The way that light frames Blue is very knownst to Yzak. He shifts his weight and tilts his head a little, staring. ]
Frightening ... in an entirely bad way?
[ There's an honest curiosity there. Some empathizing, too, because it's not to that extent, but these feelings for Blue have been similar, opening a part of himself he didn't know was there. ]
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[that's easy to answer quickly, even if the followup takes a moment.]
If it were...myself alone, then it would be. But the way you're feeling...is a lot like how I am now. I'm relieved for that.
It's frightening...to strike out somewhere unknown alone, isn't it. Even if it's...something about yourself that's unknown. Especially if it's something like that.
[when he exhales, there's something of a weak laugh in his breath.]
But the person I am in dreams...that body of mine... I suppose that is a better impression than reality. [because he's quite sure this feeble form of his is a poor comparison.]
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You have a point there.
[ About that first thing. Hearing Blue talk about if it were himself alone ... this urge he feels trigger inside to not want to let him be alone in any capacity makes him glad he isn't, either.
He frowns when Blue says that second thing, though. Sure, he couldn't help but be concerned at that weak form of his... the one he's gazing at now, just as attracted to it - to him, as he was in the dream. And then his voice dips the tiniest bit, a bit sheepish. ]
I'm pretty sure I didn't have a dream like that ... because I care about what your body looks like.
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looking at Yzak now, it's impossible to not think of his lithe, strong body against his own, to want to be held again, to feel his breath... the ache remains, and it grows, coloring that expression of his with clear-to-see longing.]
And I didn't...find my way to that dream...by accident. We wanted the same thing, Yzak... We still do.
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The way his arms quickly snap out almost makes it seem like he's going to just grab Blue, but there's that focused, controlled care when they envelope him, one arm sliding around his shoulders, the other around his waist. The embrace is full, but gentle when Yzak pulls him up against him, careful as he can manage not to cause him any pain, but not so careful to overdo it and offend him or something. (can't give those lackluster hugs, after all)
The sunlight manages to somewhat wash out the color on his own cheeks, but it's still clearly there, as much a sign of the nervous rush of excitement as the way pulling Blue close to him lets him feel his racing heart. ]
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the safety and comfort Blue feels in being like this together can't be understated; he could try and explain it and fail, because words are only the effort to explain a feeling, a state of being. it gives him permission to feel a little weaker without having to explain himself; he's always got to find some means to apologize for his shortcomings, it seems...except right now. right now he can draw in a shaky breath and breathe in a comforting scent, resting his head on Yzak's shoulder, fully embraced by an earnest and caring heart whose want is for him.]
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Hey. [ Muffled, because he doesn't want to pull away from him. ] What did you mean before? When you said 'someone like you'.
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someone like me...]
...A Mu...already past the boundaries of the heart... And even then... [he exhales.] This body's so frayed, Yzak. [his voice thickens a little in saying it aloud, and he needs to swallow back on the feeling.] How can I be enough? You deserve...better. No matter what I want now, there's...things I can't do. So many things, not just...this...
[isn't it too late for someone like him?]
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... what I said then, too, still applies.
[ He utters back. When he said he didn't have to doubt like that with him. Even those times back home, when he'd let his mind drift before yanking it back as he always did, he's come to the same kind of conclusion; about people he likes, people he's drawn to. He who seeks accomplishment and perfection, but knows deep down that he himself is pretty imperfect. He strives, he works, he pushes himself and tries his best. That's what he gravitates to in others. Others who are in their own ways "imperfect" like he is. Others who are just themselves. (because really, as much as Yzak always claims to want perfection, imagine him with someone like that, he'd hate it) ]
Stupid. [ He adds, in that harmless, fond sort of way. ] I'm pretty sure whatever you think is 'better' or 'enough' is way off! You think I'd bother with anything if I agreed with something like that?
[ Plus, he thinks after saying that, if he did try to argue with himself, talk himself into believing that, even Yzak knows that despite any efforts there, at the end of the day one simply can't help the way they feel about something, someone. ]
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he breathes out a gentle laugh, some of those worries going with it, and holds him a little tighter for a few beats, after which he relaxes and moves back so he can smile eye-to-eye with Yzak, grateful and affectionate.]
Thank you. Yzak. [he kisses him.] Thank you. [and again.]
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Hearing his laugh and seeing his smile feels as good as any kind of accomplishment he's achieved. So when Blue leans in to kiss him, Yzak leans back into it to kiss him back. After the second one, he lingers close, though after a couple of beats he averts his gaze. His lips purse some and he looks kind of awkward as he asks. ]
I was going to ask about that. What you can ... do.
[ A quick, suggestive glance. U KNOW... here he goes flustering again. ]
I-I'm not asking that because I'm expecting anything, though!!
[ Please dream Yzak why did you leave. ]
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I don't know yet. My limits...We'll have to find out together. Is that alright?
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Those amused red eyes, the way he suggests that without so much as a stutter ... he's gonna die (but in the best way). Yzak just stares back with the expressional equivalent of "holy shit."
And then he swallows with a small nod, pulling his hand from Blue's shoulders to rest on one of his own on his neck, Blue's fingers warm against the cooled skin from his hair.
(suddenly that cold shower he took seems like a waste) ]
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He stays where he is, one knee still braced on the floor as the hand around Blue's waist sneaks under his shirt, fingers caressing skin around to his hip, and then a couple of inches up his side, hiking the shirt up some with it. He's careful, making sure he doesn't end up doing something too hard (or too soft, because he'd still like to get a nice reaction out of him), and getting an idea of how Blue's body actually feels. What he can do. ]
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softly, with a heavy-lidded gaze:] You feel...better than a dream, Yzak. [he combs his fingers through some of his hair.]
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Above that concern but below Yzak's main focus is the layer of doubt he lacked in sleep. Asking why, wondering what the point is because this regret-undoing mission won't last forever, will it? Even if he kept this up, it's not going to end well regardless of outcome. Blue is dying. And if that doesn't happen first, what's going to become of them once this is over? If things even make it that far in the first place to reach one of those ends - who's to say something else won't happen? He proved his point, maybe he wants to reconsider going along with things back home. But what are actions here going to do that matter at all later other than give him a taste of something that's already taken such a hold on him and then tear it away?
All of those layers are being shoved down as hard as possible, because Yzak doesn't want them there. At both his surface and at his deepest, what he's doing here and now is what he actually wants. To feel Blue's fingers running through his hair, sending a shiver down the back of his neck. To feel Blue's skin under his own, even as they run up and over ribs that he can feel too well - but that fact doesn't matter as much as that Yzak simply wishes to be close to him like this, to make him happy. To find some of his own happiness within that because more and more, he comes to simply like Blue (and that's dangerous, warn those whispers). This kind of closeness, this kind of acceptance, this is what allows him to focus with little trouble. Maybe aside from the occasional twitch of a finger, or the slight pause before he responds to Blue after taking in that expression on his face.
Better than a dream... he'd hope so. There's that twinge of self assessment again, competing against ... himself...? His cool ass dream self, is definitely weird as he remembered it all so vividly. ]
This ... does feel better already. [ He agrees with a thought, Blue's words warming him all over. And then he adds, earnest: ] ... and if something feels the opposite, you better tell me.
[ Because he wants to make sure nothing goes awry here! Ducking his head to press his lips under Blue's chin, Yzak shifts to rest his other knee on the floor, still otherwise kneeling up straight. ]
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despite the uncertain future, Yzak's still honest in the want to find happiness...and that means a lot to Blue. because of all the people to connect to in this way, he chose him? one whose form is already fraught, who from moment-one left Yzak on shifty ground. the thought moves him almost as much as Yzak's lips on his throat do, prompting a lifting and tilting of his head, breathing in and out a soft, contented huff.
still...some of Yzak's doubts are right: they should've eaten something. Blue had been asleep for almost a full 24 hours, and each heavy breath leaves him a little more lightheaded than the one before, and all the kisses and roaming touches in the world won't stave off dizziness. it's why there's an eventual moment where Blue's head lolls and lifts with a little start, catching quick awareness to the swimming sensation that isn't pleasant creeping up from beneath all that's nice and comforting.]
Wait... [his fingers squeeze and relax with the ask as his mouth hangs open, a telltale glassy look to his eyes.] Dizzy...
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Hey. [ Hand on his side pausing in its movements, he's suddenly ready to hold him up if he sways. His other hand slides to his shoulder. ] You okay?
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Forgive me. Just for a moment... It happens...after a long rest. [gee and getting all sauced up that quickly probably has something to do with it, too.]
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It's fine. [ This is exactly why he wanted to make sure Blue didn't feel obligated to push himself for his sake. His well being is way more important than some fooling around! ] You were out for nearly a day and a half.
-do you need some water? Something to eat?
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in any case, mention of basic living necessities gets a soft sound out of him.]
That...probably wouldn't hurt, would it.
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[ So did he, but he's ever a man of the right priorities, even if he's horned up.
Yzak climbs back up to his feet, slowly pulling his hands away from Blue once he's sure he'll be able to sit up for a second. And then he goes to fetch him a glass of water, some of their rations, and some ... meaty looking things. ]
The rations we have, or snake jerky. Take your pick.
[ He holds both out to Blue, eyes still watching him closely. ]
The snakes are edible - actually edible. So we don't have to worry about running out of what we have anymore.
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still, he is quiet and forcibly patient, aware of the mounting concern and pivot of focus coming from Yzak. it's not unlike that focus that would come from his Mu peers...it just lacks that undercurrent of anxiety regarding their own fates, should he fail them. no - Yzak's anxiety is a different color and frequency.
he takes the glass, having a couple small sips, brow furrowing. his throat really was dry, so that helps...but the sight of food, especially in light of all the distressing food-talk, doesn't really stir up an appetite.
after another sip:] There's...supplements. On the nightstand. Can you get them...? In a pouch...
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It's easy enough to find in their new, slightly smaller space. Yzak took it upon himself to grab everything they had in their former lodging, so the room looks a little less bare now. ]
Here.
[ As he moves to sit down next to Blue on the bed, he hands the pouch to him. ]
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