Well, I attended standard school when I was a child. [ He isn't sure if he enjoyed it, though - there's no real feeling of any particular attachment when he speaks of it. He just went to school, did his best because his mother always told him how smart he was and how as a Coordinator (and as a Jule) he could do so much, and the praise he received from that only drove him toward more of it. He had some kiddy-friends back then, but even as a child Yzak was more of a worker than a player so nothing that really stuck and lasted past that. ]
But I joined the military when I was sixteen so went through the academy there to prepare for that. I guess you can say I enjoyed it because it's why I have the many skills as well as the standing that I do now!
That's right, all Coordinators. And I made ... a few friends, I guess.
[ That statement comes with a mix of emotion. He had his better times with some of his allies like Nicol, Rusty and Miguel before the war started and he started acting like a total dick (especially to Nicol), but them along with many others are gone now. It's just really Dearka and Athrun that he would consider his closest friends from then (and, in general from home, because Yzak having many friends, haHA). Dearka comes with a deep sense of trust and dependability - an ease on that feeling he always strives to have to be in control of things because of the knowledge that not only understands him and has his back, but because he has the ability to force his eyes open if he'd ever become blind to something again. Being here, he misses him, too. Athrun comes with envy and (one-sided) rivalry and a short-fused insecurity, though it's one that inspires and drives in its own way. And there's likewise a similar sense of trust there. He doesn't miss him because he's here and just annoying instead. (... and ok, maybe he's a little less lonely as a result, but). ]
[it takes some mindfulness to keep from following those dangling threads of reminiscence and feeling, taunting and tempting him to do what comes naturally. it means Blue has to watch Yzak's features more, to think on those more than what lay under the surface.
the struggle isn't really an outward one, save for the pregnant pauses between his responses or questions.]
You'll have some fascinating new things to share with them, when you return... [experiences aside, Sabriel's magic counts, doesn't it?]
They'd probably assume I'm out of my fucking mind if I started explaining any of this! But they also know I'm not the kind of person who just makes up weird stories!
I guess that's one good thing about Athrun being here - he can back me up.
[ A vast majority of fuss from Yzak is harmless. ]
I was here for some time before he and the Representative - Cagalli - showed up. [ He grumbles after that: ] And of course he doesn't remember everything that I do about the end of the war, the bastard... [ The grumble isn't angry, but more ... weirdly lonely. Because in not knowing what happens, that means Athrun doesn't have memories of things they've done. ]
The point is! I get it. [ Being here alone, and how it feels, he thinks after that. Even if that changed for him. ]
Not erased. Rather ... it sounds like he came here from a time slightly earlier than I did? So hasn't experienced some of what I have, yet.
[ He leans back, reaching a hand up to rub at the side of his neck. ] However that's supposed to work. But I guess it's something that can happen here, since it did.
[Blue's frown deepens as he hears this, tries to make sense of it.]
A person...can be drawn here from any span of time, then...so long as the regret is there...
But-- [his brow knits, looking down as he tries to work this out.] If one of you succeeds in...changing something...What of the other? Does it simply...make a new future?
Doesn't that mean...that whatever was changed...still happens regardless...? Somewhere, in some time...
But I'd like to hope that's not the case. That guy ... he hasn't experienced what I'm trying to change, yet. And so long as all goes well here, he won't have to.
The powers we are bargaining with... Really are beyond our understanding.
[who gets hurt if he undoes his personal regret? who is spared? does letting Physis keep her trauma lock away her foresight for good? will that mean they...never find Jomy?
he'd...never live this long, if that's the case. none of them would.
but he's here right now. so...maybe...?
this sort of stuff...it's never been in the realm of possibility, so it's not like he ever thought hard about it before! but now...
he rubs at his forehead, letting out a weary sigh.]
They are. But that's why alongside our goals my aim is to better understand those things, too.
[ How much easier or harder would that be, though? "It's difficult to understand the feelings hidden in one's heart." I'm still not even all that great at that. These orbs and Ximilia's OG's crew, are they on the same level, or something even more difficult to understand? ]
I'll ask Viveca about it tomorrow. At least if she has answers, she's a little more forthcoming about them than the Commander.
But, have you met Megatron and Drift? The Cybertronians. They somewhat resemble the machines - the mobile suits I'm used to. But Megatron's explained that they came into existence on their home planet in the same manner humans did.
And, being here for as long as I have, meeting people like you and Sabriel who can do things formerly out of my own realm of possibility, I never know what the limits of that realm are anymore. [ If there are any at all. ]
In a place like this, there doesn't seem to be many.
[ And, he thinks, learning just how far those stretch is going to end up in needing to adjust. More lifeforms, more powers, more things he probably hasn't even considered that are going to blow his mind or throw him completely off like he's been so many times here already.
[Blue shakes his head slightly, not answering right away.
eventually:] I still can't do it. Believe...that machine. Even knowing this is...an entirely different world. Different rules. Even so, in my heart...I can't.
It will be fine...if it only holds me back. But if it means...holding you or anyone else back...
Why would that hold the rest of us back? I don't think any of us have a complete trust in Viveca or the Commander. I sure as hell don't!
By far I have more trust in people like you and the teammates I'd consider more than just allies. Because we're all in the same situation. Not that either of them have said or done anything to cause me to completely dismiss and distrust them, but I also know all too well that those in positions of power can very easily use it for the worst reason and be wonderful actors about it.
But we're still here despite those feelings, aren't we? So it's fine to have them, so long as they don't grow so strong that they stop us in our tracks completely. You can't alter the path you're on at all if you aren't moving on it. And if that ends up needing to be done, it won't be Viveca you have to put your belief in.
Of course, one hopes that won't be needed at all in the first place.
[those words are the kind he could tell himself and resent for having said them, yet hearing them from someone else makes them more alright to have in the first place. it's the kind of exchange that happens more unconsciously, more organically among Mu...and it's one Blue has to be grateful Yzak or anyone else would give him like this.
his expression softens and he gives a little nod.]
Still here...despite everything. Yes. You're right.
Thank you, Yzak.
[he doesn't know how people can stand it...stewing in their own thoughts, all alone.]
Of course I'm right. We're a team! So whatever awaits us, we'll figure it out together.
[ He'd like to think he's smarter than he used to be. Less susceptible to deceit. After being duped by his own commander and realizing what that power really meant once he was in that uniform himself ... he isn't sure what he thinks of Degar. Talking around questions, never giving a straight answer, but charismatic and assured. It's familiar, and not in a good way. But ... does that mean it's always bad? Does it always mean a person has bad intentions? It's hard to tell and not let his own bad experience color this in ways it shouldn't be ... so once again he thinks of it; it's difficult to understand the feelings hidden in one's heart.
But he'll never know either way if he doesn't act. Doesn't move. Doesn't strive to learn that. ]
That isn't the case, anyway. All of this being too good to be true. Today is proof of the opposite, isn't it?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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But I joined the military when I was sixteen so went through the academy there to prepare for that. I guess you can say I enjoyed it because it's why I have the many skills as well as the standing that I do now!
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You made many friends there, then? Were they all like you? Coordinators, that is.
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[ That statement comes with a mix of emotion. He had his better times with some of his allies like Nicol, Rusty and Miguel before the war started and he started acting like a total dick (especially to Nicol), but them along with many others are gone now. It's just really Dearka and Athrun that he would consider his closest friends from then (and, in general from home, because Yzak having many friends, haHA). Dearka comes with a deep sense of trust and dependability - an ease on that feeling he always strives to have to be in control of things because of the knowledge that not only understands him and has his back, but because he has the ability to force his eyes open if he'd ever become blind to something again. Being here, he misses him, too. Athrun comes with envy and (one-sided) rivalry and a short-fused insecurity, though it's one that inspires and drives in its own way. And there's likewise a similar sense of trust there. He doesn't miss him because he's here and just annoying instead. (... and ok, maybe he's a little less lonely as a result, but). ]
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the struggle isn't really an outward one, save for the pregnant pauses between his responses or questions.]
You'll have some fascinating new things to share with them, when you return... [experiences aside, Sabriel's magic counts, doesn't it?]
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I guess that's one good thing about Athrun being here - he can back me up.
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It's very fortunate. You and some of the others...having people close to you here. A little bit of familiarity...can go a long way.
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I was here for some time before he and the Representative - Cagalli - showed up. [ He grumbles after that: ] And of course he doesn't remember everything that I do about the end of the war, the bastard... [ The grumble isn't angry, but more ... weirdly lonely. Because in not knowing what happens, that means Athrun doesn't have memories of things they've done. ]
The point is! I get it. [ Being here alone, and how it feels, he thinks after that. Even if that changed for him. ]
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His memory...was erased? [that's...not great to hear.]
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[ He leans back, reaching a hand up to rub at the side of his neck. ] However that's supposed to work. But I guess it's something that can happen here, since it did.
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A person...can be drawn here from any span of time, then...so long as the regret is there...
But-- [his brow knits, looking down as he tries to work this out.] If one of you succeeds in...changing something...What of the other? Does it simply...make a new future?
Doesn't that mean...that whatever was changed...still happens regardless...? Somewhere, in some time...
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But I'd like to hope that's not the case. That guy ... he hasn't experienced what I'm trying to change, yet. And so long as all goes well here, he won't have to.
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The powers we are bargaining with... Really are beyond our understanding.
[who gets hurt if he undoes his personal regret? who is spared? does letting Physis keep her trauma lock away her foresight for good? will that mean they...never find Jomy?
he'd...never live this long, if that's the case. none of them would.
but he's here right now. so...maybe...?
this sort of stuff...it's never been in the realm of possibility, so it's not like he ever thought hard about it before! but now...
he rubs at his forehead, letting out a weary sigh.]
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[ How much easier or harder would that be, though? "It's difficult to understand the feelings hidden in one's heart." I'm still not even all that great at that. These orbs and Ximilia's OG's crew, are they on the same level, or something even more difficult to understand? ]
I'll ask Viveca about it tomorrow. At least if she has answers, she's a little more forthcoming about them than the Commander.
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[and it's a different matter entirely whether or not she's honest.]
Have you ever heard...of a machine with no maker before?
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But, have you met Megatron and Drift? The Cybertronians. They somewhat resemble the machines - the mobile suits I'm used to. But Megatron's explained that they came into existence on their home planet in the same manner humans did.
And, being here for as long as I have, meeting people like you and Sabriel who can do things formerly out of my own realm of possibility, I never know what the limits of that realm are anymore. [ If there are any at all. ]
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mumbled:] ...Neither do I.
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[ And, he thinks, learning just how far those stretch is going to end up in needing to adjust. More lifeforms, more powers, more things he probably hasn't even considered that are going to blow his mind or throw him completely off like he's been so many times here already.
He looks over at Blue curiously. ]
What is it?
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eventually:] I still can't do it. Believe...that machine. Even knowing this is...an entirely different world. Different rules. Even so, in my heart...I can't.
It will be fine...if it only holds me back. But if it means...holding you or anyone else back...
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By far I have more trust in people like you and the teammates I'd consider more than just allies. Because we're all in the same situation. Not that either of them have said or done anything to cause me to completely dismiss and distrust them, but I also know all too well that those in positions of power can very easily use it for the worst reason and be wonderful actors about it.
You're not alone in your feelings there.
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It's not wrong to think...that all of this...is too good to be true. To last.
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But we're still here despite those feelings, aren't we? So it's fine to have them, so long as they don't grow so strong that they stop us in our tracks completely. You can't alter the path you're on at all if you aren't moving on it. And if that ends up needing to be done, it won't be Viveca you have to put your belief in.
Of course, one hopes that won't be needed at all in the first place.
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his expression softens and he gives a little nod.]
Still here...despite everything. Yes. You're right.
Thank you, Yzak.
[he doesn't know how people can stand it...stewing in their own thoughts, all alone.]
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[ He'd like to think he's smarter than he used to be. Less susceptible to deceit. After being duped by his own commander and realizing what that power really meant once he was in that uniform himself ... he isn't sure what he thinks of Degar. Talking around questions, never giving a straight answer, but charismatic and assured. It's familiar, and not in a good way. But ... does that mean it's always bad? Does it always mean a person has bad intentions? It's hard to tell and not let his own bad experience color this in ways it shouldn't be ... so once again he thinks of it; it's difficult to understand the feelings hidden in one's heart.
But he'll never know either way if he doesn't act. Doesn't move. Doesn't strive to learn that. ]
That isn't the case, anyway. All of this being too good to be true. Today is proof of the opposite, isn't it?
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But I can assure you I'm not some figment of your imagination. As much as a lot of the things here sure feel like they can't be real, sometimes...!
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