[embarrassing? Blue's eyebrows lift, but he doesn't offer a comment on that, instead just answering Yzak's question while turning his head away, facing the window.]
I've been in a dream of yours before. [...] You likely don't remember.
Either way... When there's enough emotional resonance, it seems...I find myself there. With others.
[....AN ADDENDUM:] Not in that specific sense. That...was new.
[ Embarrassing for him and his horny ass with too much shame.
Enough emotional resonance. Hearing that, Yzak feels a lightness in his chest. That's a good thing, right? He idly wonders what other dream Blue saw. But he files that away for now, because when Blue adds that addendum, he becomes even more aware of his own face burning slightly again. New for him, huh. ]
So it just - happens?
[ He feels some awkwardness rebubble up in him. ] And of all the things to have to end up seeing...! [ Then, half stammered: ] Or not just ... seeing?
I don't have...precise answers for you from here, Yzak. I never...physically connected with anyone before...to that scale. [...] It wasn't just...embracing a feeling alone. There was more to it.
[because they wanted more to it, because it wasn't just about feelings.]
It's fine. [ He asks because he's still feeling a little thrown. Overwhelmed.
His eyes shift down to the ground, and then up over to Blue. ] I've... never done that before, either, obviously! Even like that. [ As in, even his dreams usually aren't so focused, so full of desire for someone else, so ... much.
He breathes out a breath he barely realized he was holding. ]
Was it just mine?
Or did you actually ... want to dream that yourself, too?
[it's a little hard to be in this position, where Blue wants time to really think out his answers and what's behind them, but feeling Yzak's struggle to come to his own conclusions - ones he'll make rapidly whether he means to or not, given his nature, and any hesitation or silence from Blue would inevitably inform some fresh doubt.
in a way, it's good though, isn't it? teaching him to trust his instincts in the moment, instead of quiet rumination.]
I don't know if I could want...what I didn't know how to want. [he looks over his shoulder again.]
I do know...I wanted to kiss you again. That must've been the thru-line.
...Because it wasn't...truly physical. I see. [he turns away again, contemplative. this time, he does let himself have a moment to think about it, once again aware of that painful strain he's sitting with right now.]
Maybe...it doesn't...but it's left an effect. Understanding...feeling. [a whole lot of wanting.]
Now at least... I understand...what I was wanting.
[Blue lets out a quiet, affirmative sound, eyes on the window, squinting a little as one of the suns glares at the upper corner of the glass. it must be framing him a bit radiantly unbeknownst to him.]
Physical connection... It's stronger than I ever understood before. The society I came from...it's so...limited, so distant...
[he pauses to draw in a deeper breath, sighing out shakily.]
It's a little frightening...to realize...there was part of me I didn't even know until now.
[ That's right. The world Blue is from is what Yzak's might have if their last war ended differently. He still lacks every little detail, but the simple concept of a world with such little free will ... he can see why a society would become so limited, distant, loveless.
Hm. In a way, Yzak's done that to himself a bit, hasn't he? A strange thought to have in this moment.
The way that light frames Blue is very knownst to Yzak. He shifts his weight and tilts his head a little, staring. ]
Frightening ... in an entirely bad way?
[ There's an honest curiosity there. Some empathizing, too, because it's not to that extent, but these feelings for Blue have been similar, opening a part of himself he didn't know was there. ]
[that's easy to answer quickly, even if the followup takes a moment.]
If it were...myself alone, then it would be. But the way you're feeling...is a lot like how I am now. I'm relieved for that.
It's frightening...to strike out somewhere unknown alone, isn't it. Even if it's...something about yourself that's unknown. Especially if it's something like that.
[when he exhales, there's something of a weak laugh in his breath.]
But the person I am in dreams...that body of mine... I suppose that is a better impression than reality. [because he's quite sure this feeble form of his is a poor comparison.]
[ He crosses his arms, thoughtful as he takes a couple of steps toward Blue. At least... talking about it like this is a little easier. ]
You have a point there.
[ About that first thing. Hearing Blue talk about if it were himself alone ... this urge he feels trigger inside to not want to let him be alone in any capacity makes him glad he isn't, either.
He frowns when Blue says that second thing, though. Sure, he couldn't help but be concerned at that weak form of his... the one he's gazing at now, just as attracted to it - to him, as he was in the dream. And then his voice dips the tiniest bit, a bit sheepish. ]
I'm pretty sure I didn't have a dream like that ... because I care about what your body looks like.
[that compulsion to be nearby...being the type of person he is, how can Blue not notice it? it stirs up a very similar feeling, and as Yzak steps over, Blue looks up with a more flushed expression because of it.
looking at Yzak now, it's impossible to not think of his lithe, strong body against his own, to want to be held again, to feel his breath... the ache remains, and it grows, coloring that expression of his with clear-to-see longing.]
And I didn't...find my way to that dream...by accident. We wanted the same thing, Yzak... We still do.
[ The look in his eyes, and the way the sunbeam hitting him brings a glow to the edges of Blue's light hair and soft features make Yzak feel like this is as much of a dream as earlier. We still do. The statement hangs in his mind as he closes the distance between them.
The way his arms quickly snap out almost makes it seem like he's going to just grab Blue, but there's that focused, controlled care when they envelope him, one arm sliding around his shoulders, the other around his waist. The embrace is full, but gentle when Yzak pulls him up against him, careful as he can manage not to cause him any pain, but not so careful to overdo it and offend him or something. (can't give those lackluster hugs, after all)
The sunlight manages to somewhat wash out the color on his own cheeks, but it's still clearly there, as much a sign of the nervous rush of excitement as the way pulling Blue close to him lets him feel his racing heart. ]
[there's a soft sound in reaction while Blue shifts in turn to accommodate the embrace, one arm pressed between them while the other wraps around Yzak's shoulders. doing so might coax Yzak to settle on a knee or pull Blue up from sitting - either way, they're not letting go for a bit, so they may as well get comfortable.
the safety and comfort Blue feels in being like this together can't be understated; he could try and explain it and fail, because words are only the effort to explain a feeling, a state of being. it gives him permission to feel a little weaker without having to explain himself; he's always got to find some means to apologize for his shortcomings, it seems...except right now. right now he can draw in a shaky breath and breathe in a comforting scent, resting his head on Yzak's shoulder, fully embraced by an earnest and caring heart whose want is for him.]
[ Yzak is more than willing to accommodate here, so gets down on a knee when Blue's arm wraps around him. Such a familiar feeling from that dream, yet so different. The first time what he came to expect to feel when holding Blue's delicate body like this, he didn't. And now this time around that feeling from earlier is still so fresh in his mind he has to readjust again. He doesn't mind, of course, how could he so long as he gets to do this? ]
Hey. [ Muffled, because he doesn't want to pull away from him. ] What did you mean before? When you said 'someone like you'.
[he doesn't answer right away, replaying that moment. it's easy to get lost in the delight of those dreamed-up pleasures, but he makes himself recall what he'd said, what he'd felt then beyond that pleasure.
someone like me...]
...A Mu...already past the boundaries of the heart... And even then... [he exhales.] This body's so frayed, Yzak. [his voice thickens a little in saying it aloud, and he needs to swallow back on the feeling.] How can I be enough? You deserve...better. No matter what I want now, there's...things I can't do. So many things, not just...this...
[ He tilts his own head to rest it against Blue's on his shoulder, silent and listening to him with a small frown. ]
... what I said then, too, still applies.
[ He utters back. When he said he didn't have to doubt like that with him. Even those times back home, when he'd let his mind drift before yanking it back as he always did, he's come to the same kind of conclusion; about people he likes, people he's drawn to. He who seeks accomplishment and perfection, but knows deep down that he himself is pretty imperfect. He strives, he works, he pushes himself and tries his best. That's what he gravitates to in others. Others who are in their own ways "imperfect" like he is. Others who are just themselves. (because really, as much as Yzak always claims to want perfection, imagine him with someone like that, he'd hate it) ]
Stupid. [ He adds, in that harmless, fond sort of way. ] I'm pretty sure whatever you think is 'better' or 'enough' is way off! You think I'd bother with anything if I agreed with something like that?
[ Plus, he thinks after saying that, if he did try to argue with himself, talk himself into believing that, even Yzak knows that despite any efforts there, at the end of the day one simply can't help the way they feel about something, someone. ]
[that harrumph of a remark, softened by the tone it's spoken in, pulls at Blue's heart - tickles him, even; he can't help but smile, some of the weight of his worry alleviating because of it.
he breathes out a gentle laugh, some of those worries going with it, and holds him a little tighter for a few beats, after which he relaxes and moves back so he can smile eye-to-eye with Yzak, grateful and affectionate.]
[ His experience with Blue gives him enough impression that he does at least ... ask, when he needs help. So Yzak isn't keen on preaching more to that, though the notion still passes through his mind. That as a team, they can all help one another if there's something they can't do. But he knows Blue's circumstance is ... different there. Still, it's that natural, human urge to want to do something for someone they care about, even if they can't.
Hearing his laugh and seeing his smile feels as good as any kind of accomplishment he's achieved. So when Blue leans in to kiss him, Yzak leans back into it to kiss him back. After the second one, he lingers close, though after a couple of beats he averts his gaze. His lips purse some and he looks kind of awkward as he asks. ]
I was going to ask about that. What you can ... do.
[ A quick, suggestive glance. U KNOW... here he goes flustering again. ]
I-I'm not asking that because I'm expecting anything, though!!
[Blue's eyes crinkle with a bit of amusement at the fluster; Yzak is very endearing in a lot of ways, but especially this way. he moves the arm stuck between them up so he rest both of his hands on Yzak's neck, where he knows it feels nice, slipping under damp hair.]
I don't know yet. My limits...We'll have to find out together. Is that alright?
[ You know for all Dearka jokes about Yzak's head exploding, the way his face is heating up right now makes that a very real possibility. This whole last month has brought him dangerously close to it. And it's all thanks to Blue.
Those amused red eyes, the way he suggests that without so much as a stutter ... he's gonna die (but in the best way). Yzak just stares back with the expressional equivalent of "holy shit."
And then he swallows with a small nod, pulling his hand from Blue's shoulders to rest on one of his own on his neck, Blue's fingers warm against the cooled skin from his hair.
(suddenly that cold shower he took seems like a waste) ]
[the nod may be meek, but Blue knows that despite the fluster, it's an honest answer. Blue hums an approving note and, as Yzak's hand settles on his neck, tilts his head to kiss him once more - this time seeking to part his lips and take a deeper, more passionate kiss. despite that chilly shower, Yzak's lips are warm, soft...]
[ Everything in his body starts to feel warm again despite the shower. Yzak shuts his eyes and likewise indulges in that kiss, tongue moving to seek out Blue's. He really didn't need to avoid putting that blouse back on after all, huh?
He stays where he is, one knee still braced on the floor as the hand around Blue's waist sneaks under his shirt, fingers caressing skin around to his hip, and then a couple of inches up his side, hiking the shirt up some with it. He's careful, making sure he doesn't end up doing something too hard (or too soft, because he'd still like to get a nice reaction out of him), and getting an idea of how Blue's body actually feels. What he can do. ]
[reality is different than an idealized dream: Blue's been thinning as time's gone on in Ximilia, so Yzak doesn't have to work at all to find his fingers grazing over impression of bone - especially the spine. when he does, that does elicit a little sound out of Blue, compels him to sit up a little straighter for a beat as the tingle passes up and down. this brings him closer, a little taller, prompting a parting of their mouths - good timing, because he needed a breath anyway.
softly, with a heavy-lidded gaze:] You feel...better than a dream, Yzak. [he combs his fingers through some of his hair.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I've been in a dream of yours before. [...] You likely don't remember.
Either way... When there's enough emotional resonance, it seems...I find myself there. With others.
[....AN ADDENDUM:] Not in that specific sense. That...was new.
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Enough emotional resonance. Hearing that, Yzak feels a lightness in his chest. That's a good thing, right? He idly wonders what other dream Blue saw. But he files that away for now, because when Blue adds that addendum, he becomes even more aware of his own face burning slightly again. New for him, huh. ]
So it just - happens?
[ He feels some awkwardness rebubble up in him. ] And of all the things to have to end up seeing...! [ Then, half stammered: ] Or not just ... seeing?
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I don't have...precise answers for you from here, Yzak. I never...physically connected with anyone before...to that scale. [...] It wasn't just...embracing a feeling alone. There was more to it.
[because they wanted more to it, because it wasn't just about feelings.]
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His eyes shift down to the ground, and then up over to Blue. ] I've... never done that before, either, obviously! Even like that. [ As in, even his dreams usually aren't so focused, so full of desire for someone else, so ... much.
He breathes out a breath he barely realized he was holding. ]
Was it just mine?
Or did you actually ... want to dream that yourself, too?
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in a way, it's good though, isn't it? teaching him to trust his instincts in the moment, instead of quiet rumination.]
I don't know if I could want...what I didn't know how to want. [he looks over his shoulder again.]
I do know...I wanted to kiss you again. That must've been the thru-line.
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That was a lot more than that...
I mean - I think. Does that ... does that even count!?
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Count...?
[...]
...Because it wasn't...truly physical. I see. [he turns away again, contemplative. this time, he does let himself have a moment to think about it, once again aware of that painful strain he's sitting with right now.]
Maybe...it doesn't...but it's left an effect. Understanding...feeling. [a whole lot of wanting.]
Now at least... I understand...what I was wanting.
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[ He just kind of blurted that one out, but it would have been on his mind anyway. Especially with Blue's unique dream related abilities. ]
What you were wanting...?
[ He feels his heart do a little flip, hearing him talk about this. ]
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Physical connection... It's stronger than I ever understood before. The society I came from...it's so...limited, so distant...
[he pauses to draw in a deeper breath, sighing out shakily.]
It's a little frightening...to realize...there was part of me I didn't even know until now.
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Hm. In a way, Yzak's done that to himself a bit, hasn't he? A strange thought to have in this moment.
The way that light frames Blue is very knownst to Yzak. He shifts his weight and tilts his head a little, staring. ]
Frightening ... in an entirely bad way?
[ There's an honest curiosity there. Some empathizing, too, because it's not to that extent, but these feelings for Blue have been similar, opening a part of himself he didn't know was there. ]
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[that's easy to answer quickly, even if the followup takes a moment.]
If it were...myself alone, then it would be. But the way you're feeling...is a lot like how I am now. I'm relieved for that.
It's frightening...to strike out somewhere unknown alone, isn't it. Even if it's...something about yourself that's unknown. Especially if it's something like that.
[when he exhales, there's something of a weak laugh in his breath.]
But the person I am in dreams...that body of mine... I suppose that is a better impression than reality. [because he's quite sure this feeble form of his is a poor comparison.]
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You have a point there.
[ About that first thing. Hearing Blue talk about if it were himself alone ... this urge he feels trigger inside to not want to let him be alone in any capacity makes him glad he isn't, either.
He frowns when Blue says that second thing, though. Sure, he couldn't help but be concerned at that weak form of his... the one he's gazing at now, just as attracted to it - to him, as he was in the dream. And then his voice dips the tiniest bit, a bit sheepish. ]
I'm pretty sure I didn't have a dream like that ... because I care about what your body looks like.
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looking at Yzak now, it's impossible to not think of his lithe, strong body against his own, to want to be held again, to feel his breath... the ache remains, and it grows, coloring that expression of his with clear-to-see longing.]
And I didn't...find my way to that dream...by accident. We wanted the same thing, Yzak... We still do.
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The way his arms quickly snap out almost makes it seem like he's going to just grab Blue, but there's that focused, controlled care when they envelope him, one arm sliding around his shoulders, the other around his waist. The embrace is full, but gentle when Yzak pulls him up against him, careful as he can manage not to cause him any pain, but not so careful to overdo it and offend him or something. (can't give those lackluster hugs, after all)
The sunlight manages to somewhat wash out the color on his own cheeks, but it's still clearly there, as much a sign of the nervous rush of excitement as the way pulling Blue close to him lets him feel his racing heart. ]
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the safety and comfort Blue feels in being like this together can't be understated; he could try and explain it and fail, because words are only the effort to explain a feeling, a state of being. it gives him permission to feel a little weaker without having to explain himself; he's always got to find some means to apologize for his shortcomings, it seems...except right now. right now he can draw in a shaky breath and breathe in a comforting scent, resting his head on Yzak's shoulder, fully embraced by an earnest and caring heart whose want is for him.]
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Hey. [ Muffled, because he doesn't want to pull away from him. ] What did you mean before? When you said 'someone like you'.
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someone like me...]
...A Mu...already past the boundaries of the heart... And even then... [he exhales.] This body's so frayed, Yzak. [his voice thickens a little in saying it aloud, and he needs to swallow back on the feeling.] How can I be enough? You deserve...better. No matter what I want now, there's...things I can't do. So many things, not just...this...
[isn't it too late for someone like him?]
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... what I said then, too, still applies.
[ He utters back. When he said he didn't have to doubt like that with him. Even those times back home, when he'd let his mind drift before yanking it back as he always did, he's come to the same kind of conclusion; about people he likes, people he's drawn to. He who seeks accomplishment and perfection, but knows deep down that he himself is pretty imperfect. He strives, he works, he pushes himself and tries his best. That's what he gravitates to in others. Others who are in their own ways "imperfect" like he is. Others who are just themselves. (because really, as much as Yzak always claims to want perfection, imagine him with someone like that, he'd hate it) ]
Stupid. [ He adds, in that harmless, fond sort of way. ] I'm pretty sure whatever you think is 'better' or 'enough' is way off! You think I'd bother with anything if I agreed with something like that?
[ Plus, he thinks after saying that, if he did try to argue with himself, talk himself into believing that, even Yzak knows that despite any efforts there, at the end of the day one simply can't help the way they feel about something, someone. ]
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he breathes out a gentle laugh, some of those worries going with it, and holds him a little tighter for a few beats, after which he relaxes and moves back so he can smile eye-to-eye with Yzak, grateful and affectionate.]
Thank you. Yzak. [he kisses him.] Thank you. [and again.]
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Hearing his laugh and seeing his smile feels as good as any kind of accomplishment he's achieved. So when Blue leans in to kiss him, Yzak leans back into it to kiss him back. After the second one, he lingers close, though after a couple of beats he averts his gaze. His lips purse some and he looks kind of awkward as he asks. ]
I was going to ask about that. What you can ... do.
[ A quick, suggestive glance. U KNOW... here he goes flustering again. ]
I-I'm not asking that because I'm expecting anything, though!!
[ Please dream Yzak why did you leave. ]
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I don't know yet. My limits...We'll have to find out together. Is that alright?
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Those amused red eyes, the way he suggests that without so much as a stutter ... he's gonna die (but in the best way). Yzak just stares back with the expressional equivalent of "holy shit."
And then he swallows with a small nod, pulling his hand from Blue's shoulders to rest on one of his own on his neck, Blue's fingers warm against the cooled skin from his hair.
(suddenly that cold shower he took seems like a waste) ]
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He stays where he is, one knee still braced on the floor as the hand around Blue's waist sneaks under his shirt, fingers caressing skin around to his hip, and then a couple of inches up his side, hiking the shirt up some with it. He's careful, making sure he doesn't end up doing something too hard (or too soft, because he'd still like to get a nice reaction out of him), and getting an idea of how Blue's body actually feels. What he can do. ]
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softly, with a heavy-lidded gaze:] You feel...better than a dream, Yzak. [he combs his fingers through some of his hair.]
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